Shimmer
by duathkaimelar
Summary: Oneshot. As Seifer lies on the brink of death, the use of his remaining magic brings back certain childhood memories of stars and soldiers and Squall that he'd rather not remember, especially when Squall returns...SeiferSquall


**Shimmer  
by ****duathkaimelar**

**Disclaimer: **The plotline and characters of Final Fantasy VIII belong to Squaresoft SquareEnix. The plot of the story belongs to the muses. I own nothing here.  
**Pairings:** Implied Seifer/Squall  
**Warnings:** Takes place after the end of the game, though there are no real spoilers. Contains slash – leave if that bothers you.  
**Author's Notes:** Many thanks to SStar for the beta. As always, she's done a wonderful job in making the fic that much better.

**Shimmer**

Echoes of the gunshots rang through the air. Slowly in the beginning, like the tentative steps of a dancer in a first performance, but quickly they came faster, louder, in more rhythm, as if the dancer had gained more confidence. A single bullet brushed the left sleeve of his long grey trench coat and left a ring in his ears, but he paid no heed to the jolt of fear.

He simply kept running.

Shouts and blurted orders soon echoed with the gunshots, and he could have sworn he felt drops of rain in his hair, but none of it mattered. All that mattered was the sound of his leather boots swiftly coming into contact with the ground.

It was not like this had never happened before. He was used to similar occurrences, many of them. This time, however, he had almost been caught. If it weren't for a quick, sudden flash of Hyperion that permanently blinded the commander, he would already be dead.

This once, the panic filled his body to the point where it blinded him to all but his instincts.

All he knew how to do was keep running, focus on the sound. Concentrate on the beat until he was confident enough to speed it up, focus on the sound, do anything but stop running…

For if he stopped running, he would cease to exist, and that reality scared him.

And it certainly did not help that he didn't know where he was. At the least, when he had an idea of where he was running from and what was around him, it was that much easier to come up with places to hide on impulse.

He knew he was somewhere northwest of Esthar. No place other than Esthar could possibly have so many trained soldiers after him, and placed in highly strategic locations at that. Except perhaps Galbadia, but thankfully he was far away from Galbadia Garden. Of course, he had not completely dismissed the likeliness that Galbadian soldiers had joined those of Esthar…

The diminutive portion of his mind that was capable of maintaining his normal demeanor even in such a situation forced him to laugh bitterly at the ironic possibility that Esthar had requested SeeDs to hunt him down.

It crossed his mind then that if soldiers from Balamb Garden were included in the pack, approval from the Headmaster had to have been given.

The Headmaster. Currently Squall Leonhart. And that was as far as his thoughts trailed, because it was too painful to think that Leonhart would have condemned him to his death (although he would have no one but said commander execute him if given the choice); at any rate, sharp pains arising in the sides of his stomach prevented him from thinking coherently.

He quickened his pace once more. His senses told him that the soldiers still lingered behind him, but they were far enough away that Seifer could not hear the pounding of their boots against the ground, and that unnerved him.

It was not long until he could see his breath diminish into the air as he rapidly exhaled. This was the indicator that he had crossed the borders of Trabia. And shit, not only did that mean he was entering a land consisting mainly of snowfields and mountains, but it also meant he was nearing Trabia Garden, and no one there would have any sympathy for him. Not like anyone in the world did anyhow, and he could not blame them.

The pains stabbing daggers through his entire being shouted at him to stop. He felt like doing nothing at that moment except collapsing and letting his own life escape into the night as the snow numbed his body into submission. Perhaps he would become numb to his own death and could watch from a distance as the last breath left his body.

However, his instincts and his pride kept him from doing such a thing, so he continued to run blindly from the world, faster and in no direction, from all sense of survival and intelligence. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he by chance reached a small granite cave carved into the side of mountain.

As soon as he entered the cave, he stopped running. A big mistake. He cast his last Curaga on himself, panting heavily, the sweat rolling off his clammy, frostbitten cheeks. He cast Protect and Shell around himself, cast a Repel spell around the cave, and collapsed afterwards, his chest heaving in his desperate gasps for breath, far past the ability to think coherently.

The last thing he heard was the snow-covered crunches of Galbadian and Estharian soldiers pass the cave, oblivious to his presence.

His world turned black when the snow began to fall.

He awoke feeling like he was dying. At that particular moment, part of him wished fervently that he was.

It took him several minutes to fully open his eyes, and even when he could manage that much, his vision was anything but clear. He saw the world through clouded silver glass, still breathing dangerously heavily. His leg muscles were cramped to the point where it hurt to move, yet hurt to stay still, his heart ached (in all emotional and physical ways possible), and he could concentrate on almost nothing.

He noticed, however, that the snow had stopped. The night was crisp and clear, and the bright twinkle of the stars reflected on pure white snow broke through his clouded vision.

Seifer tried to ignore the realization that he must have been unconscious for a long time. He used the last of his willpower to cast Cura and a Fira spell, which spread to all ends of the cave. It remained only for a few precious moments before flickering out, leaving his body once more in the cold.

The Fira spell he had cast was powerful enough to send flashes of memories quickly through his mind before they left him forever, and especially during this time of frostbite, sharp pains, and fear for his life, he felt an unusual amount of hatred towards the GF that stole his cherished memories in exchange for another hour or two of suffering.

His feelings only overloaded his unstable mind when a long-forgotten memory from his early teenage years flashed through his mind and temporarily stuck on its way to the exit.

-------

_They lay on the outskirts of __Balamb__Garden__ at __midnight__. The chocolate-haired one had suggested simply hiding in the secret area of the training center, but the blonde had argued that was for the "chickies and newbies". The chocolate-haired boy, with grey-blue eyes, had agreed with him quickly, reasoning that the sky was prettier without the glass of Garden's roof tainting their view._

_It was strange, sometimes. Strange how their rivalry towards one another ran deep and true, and in the moments when they were caught up in a fiery argument, or when their gunblades clashed in the still of the night their hatred for one another was at such a peak that no one would think they would ever get along. And yet neither of them imagined spending moments like these with any other._

_Of course, the blonde cared more about the other boy than he would ever admit. And the grey-eyed boy trusted no one except his blonde companion._

_Their silence was companionable. Even at the age of thirteen, neither of them needed to say much to understand one another. They simply sat and watched the sky, waiting for the predicted star shower._

_When it began, a soft voice came from the grey-eyed boy. It was a voice that Seifer treasured hearing. The boy did not speak much, even to him. And whenever he spoke, his voice was normally filled with emotions far too mature for one his age. This one night, the passion, fury, and icy depression was absent from his voice and the way he held himself. That one night he was free, and his voice filled with content and curiosity. _

_'I heard once,' he began tentatively as the first star began to fall, 'that when a star falls, someone on Earth dies and takes its place. Do you suppose it's true?'_

_Surprised at the question, Seifer snorted slightly and replied, 'I don't know Squall, seems a little farfetched to me. Then again, I never believed in any of that stuff.'_

_Squall ignored Seifer's comment, which seemed accusing on the surface. He took it for what Seifer really meant it to be – his own roundabout way of stating that he believed Squall, but wasn't about to say it._

_'When I die,' Squall continued, staring up at the vast sky in fascination, shining balls of light falling one by one, 'I hope I can become a star. The thought of shining eternally in a vast black hole…it's so much more appealing than our lives down here.'_

_'I don't know, Leonhart…I would say the stars have the same lives as we do.'_

_'What do you mean?'_

_'Well, think about it. We're soldiers. We have to do whatever the world tells us, or at least what Headmaster Cid commands. We live in a black hole, Leonhart. We live in the face of war, of danger, of anything that threatens the peace of the innocents that depend so much on us. And we shine, you know. We shine because we are the ones who protect the world. And we will most likely be remembered by those we save, but never as individuals, because there are so many of us. The stars are similar. Shining eternally, guiding those who have lost their way, until they finally lose the last of their lives from shining so long. And they all look the same to us from such a distance; we are unable to pick them out, except through constellations. It's all the same. Stars are not even granted more freedom than we are. You and I are trapped within Garden's walls. Stars are trapped within the sky.'_

_Squall was somewhat taken aback by Seifer's explanation. He had never heard something so serious, nor so thoughtful him before. Of course, he did not imply that Seifer wasn't intelligent, only that he seldom bothered to ponder philosophical matters. He worried about the here and now, as opposed to the unknown._

_'Yeah,' Squall agreed, turning to his rival with a small smile, 'I guess you're right. But then…'_

_'But what?'_

_'Is it only soldiers that become stars, or is it everyone? Do we all follow the same path when we die, or is it solely the soldiers that become stars while everyone else becomes part of the sun and the moon and the planets? Do some of us disappear? Do we become spirits?'_

_'I've never thought about that one, you know. I guess…I guess it's where we choose to be. Subconsciously, I mean. Perhaps we choose to become what we are most comfortable with. We'd probably become the stars, because we're most comfortable with war. Besides, the stars are like a crown on the Earth, right? A crown of scars. Who else but us is fit to bear such a burden? And those who become spirits do so because they do not want to leave their homes, but spirits aren't meant to exist in the waking world, which is why they are feared and why they haunt, I think.'_

_Squall remained silent for a moment, taking in Seifer's opinions. He realized the frightening level of reason in it all, but his fear was hidden from his voice when he replied._

_'In that case, I hope I become a star.'_

_'When I die, I bet I'll become the North Star or the Big Dipper, or something big that people can recognize.'_

_Squall shook his head. Always the egoistical one, Seifer was._

_'Hey, Seifer.'_

_'Yeah, Leonhart?'_

_'Assuming that soldiers do become stars when they die, how do star showers happen? Is there an entire group of soldiers, or an entire army that dies, and that many stars have to die to account for the soldiers?'_

_'I suppose it would work that way.'_

_'But we're in peace time right now. So what group of soldiers that big could have died? And why?'_

_-------_

The memory flicked in his mind before he was brought back to the real world, but Seifer cast another Fira spell in a desperate hope to keep that last memory with him as long as possible. If he was to die, he wanted to die remembering _something_ happy, and that was as good he suspected he would get.

He closed his eyes and clung as hard as he could to that memory. When he began to fear forgetting exactly what it was he was trying to remember, he opened his eyes and looked towards the entrance of the cave.

He could have sworn he spotted a lone figure approaching the cave from the distance, but Seifer did not count on that. He recognized the possibility of the figure being a figment of his imagination, and in his current state, it certainly would not be unlikely.

At this point, he almost felt resentment towards the man. He had been lying in this cave for days now, and by miracle or luck or Hyne, no one had become aware of his presence. It seemed as though that would change now, and Seifer no longer cared. His breathing was labored, and every time his chest moved, it hurt. He had not moved since he had collapsed on the ground upon entering the cave and his muscles were so cramped up he could barely feel them, and yet when the flashes of pain shot through his body, it took all of his willpower to keep from screaming.

He was hungry, he was cold, and could no longer find the strength within him to cast another spell. Even if he could, the effort was likely to kill him.

He concentrated on the approaching figure. There was nothing else better to do. Thinking hurt too much these past few days, and concentrating on the figure would induce anxiety to build inside of him anyway.

Seifer hoped the anxiety would keep his mind off the physical pain he was in.

Unfortunately, anxiety did not arise inside of him as he had hoped. When the figure was simply a black and silver approaching blur, he felt only resignation. He figured the man had come to kill him, and if that were so, then so be it. It was no more nor less than he deserved.

When the figure grew close enough so that he could recognize him, shock filled his body. Although, one thing he had hoped for had been accomplished.

He could no longer think clearly as a result of the shock, and his mind was on anything but his physical pain.

He recognized the figure at first to be none other than Squall Leonhart. He told himself that he was hallucinating. But he couldn't have been. He recognized damp chocolate-brown hair, shining grey eyes reflecting by the moonlight, and black leather pants and boots trudging through the thick snow.

'Leonhart?' he choked out. The effort of speaking upset his throat, and he coughed roughly.

Squall entered the cave, his boots clicking against the rock-hard ground. He knelt down before Seifer but said nothing. Seifer, through the best of his blurred vision, gazed into grey eyes and searched for a sign of emotion there, but found nothing.

Leonhart hadn't changed at all, Seifer thought. He was still the cold bastard he had once been. But then, he hadn't expected Leonhart to have changed, at least, not on the surface. Any normal person would have been deeply affected by the war, especially in the position that Squall had been in, but this _was_ Leonhart he was thinking of. At any rate, it was not as if Seifer believed Squall hadn't _really_ changed. He was almost positive that he had, but Squall would never let that show. Especially not to him. Seifer no longer deserved to see Squall's inner emotions anyway.

Seifer cursed his position. He cursed Leonhart for finding him now, after over a year of hiding and passing through Balamb multiple times. He cursed Leonhart for searching for him at the moment of his breaking. There was so much he wanted to say. There was so much he knew that Squall deserved to hear, and yet there was only a limited amount he knew he would be able to actually voice, due to his condition.

He cursed his body for letting it end in such a way.

'What do you want from me, Leonhart?' It was not the smart thing for him to say. But he could think of nothing else.

Just as he predicted, Squall showed no reaction to Seifer's presence or his words through his eyes. When he replied, his voice was soft and filled with resentment and pain, but the hatred Seifer expected was absent.

'I heard from Laguna that the Esthar soldiers lost you in the Trabia Mountains. They assumed you had died. Some assumed you had simply moved on to another area, and they gave up searching here, figuring you would die in such a place. I know you better than that. I knew that if they had lost you here, it was because you had not the strength to move on, and would most likely still be here. So I came to find you.'

Seifer was shocked. But he would not flatter himself by thinking that Leonhart had come to find him because he had missed him, or wished to ask him anything. He simply figured Leonhart had come here because no one else knew him well enough to know where he was, and so Squall came here to find and execute him.

In the end, Seifer couldn't complain. Hadn't he thought just a few days ago that if he were to be executed, he would want Leonhart to be the one to do it? He was almost getting his wish, now. Best not to fight it.

'Did you now? I'm almost flattered, Leonhart.' His speech was interrupted by a fit of coughs. 'I'm assuming you came to have me executed. Well, in that case, why don't you just get it over with? I'm in no mood to put up with trials, you know.'

'I never said I came to find and execute you, Seifer. I came to find you, and that's it.'

'So what's the point?'

'….'

Seifer almost laughed at Squall's typical response, but he didn't have the energy. He was shocked when he felt the warmth of an Esuna spell running through his body, followed by a Full-cure. He would have asked where Squall had acquired such powerful magic, but then he remembered that Squall must have been junctioned to at least three GFs during the war, based on the magic that was used on him as well as Adel and Ultimecia, and Fuujin and Raijin. Besides, he knew it would not be his place to ask. Squall had just attempted to save his life, and he should be thankful for it.

He wasn't. He wished Leonhart would allow him to die. He had lost the will put up with life.

He felt chills through his body when Squall placed a hand on his heart, checking its beat. Seifer knew his beat was irregular. He could feel it. And he was thankful when Squall did not voice the fact; he simply moved on, examining the rest of his body for major injuries.

It was a pity he was in too much pain to enjoy the feel of Leonhart's calloused hands running across his body. He had fantasized for so long…

Squall's hand brushed his lower stomach and he gasped slightly as the shivers racked his body. His gasp turned into another deep cough, and his throat burned in the aftermath. If Squall had noticed Seifer's less than appropriate reaction his checkup, he showed no sign of it.

'You could have been killed out here,' Squall scolded, allowing his hand to linger on Seifer's body before removing it.

_Thank you, Mr. Obvious_. 'I almost was.'

'You have a GF junctioned.' It wasn't a question.

'Yes. Ifrit.'

'How, and for how long?'

'Fuujin. For at least a year.'

Squall sighed in resignation. He moved to pick Seifer up, but was stopped.

'Don't bother, Leonhart. I won't survive the trip.'

'I parked the Ragnarok on the border. It doesn't function so well in the snow. But it's not a long way.'

'You took the fucking _spaceship_?'

'There was no sense in taking the Garden all the way here.'

'Leonhart. Why did you come here to save me, after all I did to you and this world?'

When Squall grew deathly quiet and did not reply, Seifer figured it was either for a reason he was too embarrassed to voice, or Squall wasn't entirely sure himself. In this case, he was more inclined to believe it was the latter, but then, it could have been a little of both.

Seifer began to shiver in the cold. He eyes Squall, who was obviously cold as well.

'I don't have any Fire spells on me,' Squall informed Seifer when he saw how he shivered.

Seifer only shrugged a bit, and cast one of the last of his Fira spells over the both of them. It faded quickly due to his weakness, and so he cast another one right after. Flashes of memories flew through his mind once more. And as the last time, there was a particular one that captured his mind.

-------

_'What the hell are you waking me up at this time a morning for, Seifer?'_

_They were only fourteen, and they still shared a room back then. It was before the administration had decided it was only for the best to give them separate dorms._

_Seifer did not answer. He only pointed to the window. And when Squall rolled on his side, removing himself from his tight cocoon of bed sheets, he glanced out the window and gasped at what he saw._

_A shooting star._

_'You woke me up to see that?'_

_'No. Not really. I woke you up because I saw the star begin to fall…and…'_

_'And what?'_

_'That SeeD member who was in charge of our training sessions was killed today.'_

_'So you think he's up there now?'_

_'Yeah.'_

_With a deep yawn, Squall stretched his body out, several of his bones cracking in the process. As usual for autumn, he slept in black sweatpants and a grey sweatshirt. So rather than changing, he simply took Lionheart into his grasp and headed for the door._

_Seifer grinned. Grabbing Hyperion and slipping into his boots, he stated the obvious. _

_'__Training__Center__?'_

_Squall nodded and opened his door, glancing quickly around the halls to be sure no one remained in them._

_'I'll bet Talru's up there watching. Let's show him exactly what he taught us.'_

_Seifer did not reply, but rushed to join Squall at the door._

_-------_

'I didn't realize when I was walking here that your cave was so far from the borders. But we will still be there soon.'

Seifer said nothing to Squall's ramble. He knew Squall was attempting to assure him they would find the ship soon enough, but Seifer was still convinced he would not make it. Squall had cast his last Full-Cure on him before they had left the cave, but his injuries were too serious and his scars too deep for Full-Cure to do much for him. He still had much trouble breathing, and his throat still burned as well as his muscles.

His cough only got worse with the cold.

Neither of them spoke as they walked on. If Seifer did not have so much trouble talking he might have said something, but his throat burned. And Squall never talked anyway.

Besides, the situation was far too awkward. Seifer did not understand why Squall had come for him, and the last time Squall had seen him, he had been with Ultimecia and they had been trying to kill each other.

There was nothing either of them had to say. Not anymore.

Seifer's only regret was not having the energy to tell Squall his story. He wanted his rival to know that he had never been out to kill him, not really. Much of what he did was not entirely the control of the sorceress, but his attacks on Squall were. He wanted to tell him that he had became a Knight in the first place to keep Garden, and Squall, protected, but Ultimecia turned that will into hatred.

He wanted to tell Squall so many things he would never get to say…

And so he focused on Squall less and less as the moments passed, finding that it hurt too much. Instead he focused on the sky, or the sound of Squall's boots crunching in the snow, or wind unsettling his hair. He tried to make out what he saw as his vision blurred more by the minute, and he was distracted by the knowledge that his heart was beating too fast or too slowly, or the feeling that he was going to burst…

Aside from his throat and muscles, the only sensation he was able to feel was the soft touch of snow against him as Squall sat on the ground, pulling Seifer into his lap to keep him as warm as possible.

He heard Squall's soft panting and knew they needed a break. Seifer passed the time by gazing at the sky.

He gasped, and then smiled slightly, as he saw a shining light fall.

'Leonhart. A shooting star.'

Squall gazed up at it quickly, eyes widening as he made a few connections. Seifer felt strangely pleased that Squall remembered their discussion from over five years ago.

'It's not coming from the North.' Squall replied to him. Seifer knew what he was trying to say.

_It's not your time_.

But he did not deserve to become the North Star, or the Big Dipper. Not anymore.

He felt his life beginning to fall away from him, slowly, in direct contrast to the speed of the star that fell from the sky.

He felt the squeeze of Squall's arms against him, and the warmth of a Cura spell. It was all Squall had. And he was grateful, but it was too late.

-------

_They fell to the ground, panting heavily and sweat rolling down their bodies. _

_'I think it's time we get in.' Squall suggested. The morning approached swiftly, and neither of them wished to get caught._

_'Giving up already Leonhart?' Seifer sneered, rising from the ground on shaky legs._

_Squall only glared at him. 'We'll get caught.'_

_'Not for another few hours.'_

_'It's still not safe.'_

_'You just don't want to admit that you lost, Leonhart.'_

_'I did not lose.'_

_'And you were the one who wanted to show Talru what he had taught you, too. I'm disappointed.'_

_A series of appropriate curses entered Squall's mind, but he refrained from speaking them. It simply wasn't worth it._

_'I hear there's supposed to be a meteor shower tomorrow.'_

_'I'll bet it doesn't happen.' Squall said. 'Those weather men suck at predicting things correctly. Besides, how can they predict that an entire army of people will die tomorrow?'_

_'You never know. With all those problems in Galbadia these days…'_

_'Well, I suppose. You know, I wonder what happens when the stars die. I mean, if people on Earth become a part of the Earth, then they are inside of its crust forever, or if they become plants and the plants die, they become a part of the soil. The moon, so far, hasn't disappeared. People are there forever too. But what happens to the stars? If the soldiers become the stars when the die, what happens to former soldiers who originally became those stars when the stars die?'_

_Seifer didn't reply for a long while, then, 'Maybe they're just gone.'_

_'No, I don't think so. If we are just gone, we'd be free. You said yourself that soldiers are always trapped.'_

_'So where d'you suppose we go?'_

_In his turn, Squall was silent for a moment. And then he finally said softly, 'Maybe we become the universe in its blackness. Or maybe the black holes…or perhaps we become parts of other planets. Or maybe we become trapped in fire, or become fiends. As punishment for killing so many people.'_

_'Hmm. Well, if I become the North Star, I don't think I'll have to worry about that for a long time, you know? I'll bet those who become the North Star are there for a while.'_

_Squall refrained from retorting that Seifer didn't deserve that, for his conceitedness. Instead, he stated, 'I'll probably go straight to the black hole.'_

_'Nah, you'll become a part of the closet constellation to the North Star. That way, I can still show you how much better I am than you.'_

_Squall grinned. 'Nope. That'll just be when I show you how full of yourself you are. Just because you're the North Star doesn't mean I won't shine brighter.'_

_-------_

'Maybe it's from the constellation closet to the North Star,' Seifer suggested softly.

Squall shook his head.

'That would still be coming from the North. And I'm the one who's supposed to become that constellation.'

They had remained there, Squall sitting in the snow and Seifer lying on his lap, for a long time. Simply in silence, watching the stars, remembering fragments of memories forgotten from a much happier time in their childhood. Squall was so caught up in his regrets and confusion that he almost missed Seifer's soft mumbling of, 'Thanks for doing this, Squall. I'm sorry.'

And Squall was so caught up in how much that statement meant to him that he missed the exact moment when the soft sound of Seifer's ragged breathing stopped as well as the feeling of his chest rising and falling against Squall's leather-clad leg.

The only thing he saw, in that last moment, was the star that began to fall from the North.

**End**


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